Can I make you a cup of tea?
18 September 2025 | Sheila Brill
When you make a home visit, your head is in the practicalities. You know what needs to be done. But sometimes, the reality is that you can’t complete the work; the situation in front of you is incompatible with your practical objective.
“Can I make you a cup of tea?” It’s such an inviting thing to say. An offer of comfort in a troubled world.
When you arrive at this 10th floor flat of that notorious housing estate, you’re expecting to teach the young mum of the three-month-old baby how to change his NG tube. He’s had the tube for four weeks and, having observed how the teenager has responded to the situation, you’ve felt it was too soon to expect her to carry out this delicate procedure. The consequence has been several visits to change the little boy’s tube yourself. Now, with your workload increasing, you are hoping that this might be the right time to teach the mother how to insert and test the tube.
But it’s clear that this simply isn’t going to happen. There are things you needed to see here to convince you that the mother is ready and that the house is suitable. So far, the chaos that greets you when she opens the door tells you that nothing has changed. Instead you offer to make her a cup of tea, and when you go into the kitchen to fill the kettle, you can see that the levels of hygiene here are simply not appropriate for what is required to safely change an NG tube.
You stare out of the kitchen window, considering your options. You don’t want a wasted visit; this needs to be an opportunity to move this young mum forward both psychologically and practically.
******
I’m standing in my recently cleaned kitchen staring out the window as the kettle is boiling. At the ripe old age of thirty-six, I’ve been a mother for just six weeks. I’ve already had two different careers and plenty of life experiences. Now, following a traumatic birth due to medical negligence, my daughter Josephine has suffered catastrophic brain injury. Right now, in my living room, are the physiotherapist and occupational therapist working to reduce her spasticity and find a comfortable position for her.
If I stay in the kitchen for a while, maybe they won’t notice how long I’ve been gone. I kind of talked them into a cup of tea just so I could escape to somewhere else, anywhere really, knowing that my daughter would be completely safe in their hands, that I wouldn’t have to hold her and suffer her pushing so hard against me as I tried to cuddle her. Knowing all the while, as I stand here, that I haven’t done enough physio with her since the last visit and I can only hope that they don’t notice.
But, even though I’m riddled with that invisible scourge, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I have perfected a veneer of compliance and resilience with frequent understanding nods at the therapists’ explanations of how and why the exercises and positioning are so important. I’ve even wielded a pencil and exercise book to note down what they’re saying. But, make no mistake. I’ve had a shocking shift to an unexpected version of mediated motherhood.
****
You can look at this teenager and judge that she isn’t capable of looking after herself, let alone a three-month-old baby with complex medical needs. And you can look at me and assume I’m coping and can do whatever is required. But if you don’t step away from your intended task to observe, offer a listening ear and some comfort, you’re unlikely to achieve your objectives. It is about finding the crucial balance between what you need to deliver (practical advice) and what your client wants and needs from you (reassurance and emotional support); maintaining that often delicate relationship with your client and knowing (and accepting) the practicalities may have to wait for another day.
ENDS
Sheila has written about her experience in her book Can I Speak to Josephine Please?, for which she won a Selfies Book Award in 2025. Sheila has written another blog for the QICN about the impact of the nurses uniform in the home.
Sheila Brill and QICN Children’s Nurse Network Lead Rebecca Daniels jointly presented at the Northumbria CYP nursing conference on 18th September. They shared the impact and importance of understanding parental experience when working with children and young people with complex health needs and disability.
Biography
Since leaving the teaching profession in 1992, Sheila has worked as a Managing Editor on educational materials and as an online tutor, training foster carers. She has also written for and edited a magazine for people living with/working with children and young people with complex needs.
Following completion of her memoir Can I speak to Josephine please?, Sheila has delivered seminars on complex needs to student nurses and assisted in interviewing candidates for the undergraduate paediatric nursing and midwifery degrees at the University of the West of England (UWE).
She has also been a UWE panel member on the validation of the MSc Specialist Practice Degree course. Sheila has provided video material for a charity’s advanced CTG training as well as material for a legal firm specialising in medical negligence. She continues to work to improve childbirth experiences and communication in health and social care settings.
Originally from Glasgow, Sheila lived in London for seven years before moving to Bristol where she now lives with her husband and son. She is surprised and delighted by the response to her memoir.
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